Crime and Punishment
An Ohio judge recently condemned a woman who threw a burrito at a Chipotle manager to two months of work in a fast-food restaurant. What are other punishments fit for the crime, asks Davina Thomas
When Naomi Campbell threw her phone into her maid’s face for failing to find her favourite pair of jeans circa 2003, she served a week of community service in the New York sanitation department. Exiting on day seven in a $300,000 Dolce and Gabbana dress, she turned what would have been any other model’s career-end into a moment of such iconic self-parody, it holds a prime spot in the Naomi retrospective currently on show at the V&A. Campbell has survived all manner of cancellation since — over accepting blood diamonds from Charles Taylor and her association with Jeffrey Epstein – but you would be so lucky.
Naomi Campbell leaves the New York Sanitation Department in a sequin gown
Fast forward to 2024 and crimes aren’t going unpunished, aside from shoplifting and phone swiping, obvs. In some cases, more thought seems to be going into punishment than ever before. With an Ohio judge making recent headlines for condemning a woman who threw a burrito at a Chipotle manager to two months of work in a fast-food restaurant, we had our thoughts on punishments that fit the crime.
Behold, the new sentencing.
Snogging your best friend’s boyfriend
For communing with the devil (which he surely is) you get the witch trial: a burning at the stake. After all, if you survive, it means you clearly were meant to be together, which mirrors the logical abilities you’ve displayed here.
Participating in the EDL riots
Jail (obviously) but also a lifetime ban from all curry houses and kebab shops.
Taking the bottle of wine you bought to a dinner home with you if it went undrunk
Your credit will be decimated by an unpaid bill you spent six months trying to reach British Gas about. The £8.99 you saved here, and had hoped of course to put towards a mortgage, might help you build that score back up.
Not giving up your seat for a pregnant woman on the tube
You have to sleep in extra small Skims. Even if you’ve had a super big meal and it’s 38 degrees. Who’s uncomfortable now?
Replying “I’ve already seen this” to someone sending you an IG reel
No fruit you purchase will ever be the right level of ripe when you’d like to eat it. Time to dwell on context, appropriateness, and letting those you love blossom.
Drunk driving
You will henceforth and forever feel like you permanently have something in your eye.
Doing an “It’s so nice to meet you!” to someone you’ve met more than thrice
Anti-knife crime fundraisers outside tube stations have a new recruit! Enjoy those looks of pure disgust and antipathy, and remember when you used to look into the eyes of those who just truly wanted to know you.
Scanning a prime aged steak as a pineapple at self checkout
No punishment.
Drunk Driving: You will henceforth and forever feel like you permanently have something in your eye