Why is the Groucho shut?
What the BBC won't tell you
Groucho Marx once said he wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have him. What a pity that his namesake will now have no one: the grande dame of Dean Street, site of many a débauche, founded at the height of Thatcherism in 1985, reduced to a newsline. Always a renegade, often a fool, the Groucho may have said its final hurrah this weekend for reasons untold by the BBC, which cited only a ‘serious crime’. But what are they hiding?
The brains behind Gauche have done what the Beeb should have done: consulted the oracle and the gossip columns to compile the ten most likely reasons behind the closure of the Soho haunt. Behold:
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn are caught running a Gentlemen-grade cannabis farm on the roof of the building. Odds: 4/1
Bishop Baiting Blunder: Keir Starmer hosts badger baiting in the cellar after hours, with a betting ring led by Justin Welby. Odds: 5/2
Miscongeniality: Daniel Craig breaks the dress code by wearing a Loewe string vest, leading to a 30-person bust up spilling across Dean Street. Odds: 8/2
The Gallagher-Williams Cod War: Noel Gallagher and Robbie Williams become embroiled in a bitter dispute over the Wednesday fish special. This escalates into a dangerous criminal feud involving black market cod smuggling rings, with both hiring East End gangsters to control the Groucho’s supply chain. Odds: 2/1
Madonna Chore Complex: Having racked up excessive debts at the cocktail bar, Madonna has spent the last three years being forced to pick the chewing gum from under the tables. Her lawyer has finally sued for modern slavery. Odds: 10/1
Pokers of the Caribbean: Keira Knightley has been running a clandestine high-stakes poker night in the VIP lounge. Colin Farrell tries to recoup his debts by selling secrets to a rival poker ring at the Garrick, resulting in a turf war across Soho. Odds: 13/2
The Levinson Inquiry: An investigation by the Sunday Times reveals a Groucho Club bedroom to be the HQ of the London phone snatching cartel, masterminded by Sam Levinson and Emily Maitlis. Odds: 6/1
BBCease and Desist: A newly hired barman serves ketamine-laced Twiglets to Melvyn Bragg, leading to the irreparable destruction of eighteen barstools and forcing the cancellation of at least three episodes of In Our Time. Odds: 16/1
Picpoul de Pee Pee: Facing allegations that the club has become “too corporate”, the Groucho resorts to serving boxed wine. Things get messy when they mistake Tracey Emin’s urostomy bag for a Picpoul de Pinet. Odds: 10/3
Moo Dang: Gwyneth Paltrow convinces Groucho veteran A. C. Grayling to target new club members with her latest pyramid scheme: selling organic Viagra made from the spleen of pygmy hippos. Odds: 5/1
By Will Hosie & Iona Rangeley-Wilson