What To Expect When You’re Expecting (Sex)
Introducing Gauche’s very own dating columnist, here to dish you summer’s erotic forecast
Words: Tobi Faulk
The change from spring to summer always seems to come with a new, woozier kind of lust. The low sun is settling in for the evening, the drinks are tantalisingly cold and the coy glances at Kiki’s/La Perle/The Spurstowe are ever, ever so longing.
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With summer rolling in, questions arise about what the season might promise. Are we on the brink of fleeting summer flings or possibly encountering loves that last a lifetime? While I can't offer predictions on matters of the heart, I can share some intriguing findings from a report published last week by Lloyds Pharmacy, with the crude but effective title ‘The UK’s Most Popular Sex Positions’, which might in turn offer you some sense of the country’s romantic proclivities, both nationally and regionally—or whether, indeed, both of these fall short and you might be better off on the continent this summer.
Let’s skip the fact that the report opens with a blunt update on erectile dysfunction—because, lest we forget, even our most basic pursuits of passion aren’t immune to the occasional obstacle. Thankfully, before long, we’re racing through a cavalcade of facts, trends and trivia about the country’s preferences, perversions, and curiosities. From all this, I’ve cobbled together a sort of sexual forecast for the summer. Useful, though I doubt it’ll make the morning news.
There are high chances of people describing themselves as “adventurous in bed”. A third of us fancy ourselves quite the Indiana Jones, navigating the Temple of Romp and eager to explore hidden chambers with reckless abandon.
‘Pleasure’ is the number one reason we switch positions during sex. Half of those surveyed (49 percent) said they would switch positions once or twice per session, with one in eight (12 percent) claiming to be ‘constantly’ changing. I’ll bet those are the same one in eight who know what Hyrox is.
The most increasingly searched for sex positions sound like the symbols of the zodiac. ‘The Bridge’, ‘The Crab’ and, my personal favourite, ‘The Prone Bone’. These are certifiably up-and-cumming: time to brush up if your current repertoire doesn’t include exoticisms such as the ‘The G-Whiz’. No diagrams provided.
Across the UK, favourite positions vary by region. London’s all about The Bridge, Brighton’s on The Edge, and Belfast favours The Cross—hardly groundbreaking choices.
Some classics, however, serve to unite our Divided Kingdom. Missionary takes the top spot as our overall most searched for position (you’d think no diagrams would be required for this, of all things, but apparently you’d be wrong). Cynicism aside, missionary is something of a national treasure—sturdy, dependable and unlikely to fade from the scene. It’s not the trendiest, but in these unpredictable climes, reliability counts for a lot.
Europe is more adventurous. The 69 and Lotus take the top spot across much of the Balkans and Scandinavia. Be warned, or get excited—we don’t kink shame in this kulla.
France has the highest number of searches for sex position-related terms. I’m as shocked as you are, and very much intend to hold the French to account when I head to Marseille in August.
Whether you’ve planned a staycation or something more extravagant, the choice of thrills (and disappointments) promises to be endless. Once more, unto the beach—and please do feedback with your own, anecdotal findings.
This could be us, but you playin’ (credit: The Daily Mirror)