My week: Jill Biden

Before it all came crumbling on Sunday, the First Lady was enjoying a week like any other. * According to Gauche Magazine.

Monday 15 July

By Dan Sperrin, @dansperrin_cartoons

Wake up. Starting a new day is always such a blessing! The doctors come in and attach the electrodes we use to reanimate Joe. Then he’s got two hours in the makeup chair while I get to work. The new woman we’ve got in from Madame Tussauds is doing great! 

I check in on them between calls. “Better tape that left eye open, I think”.

Tuesday 16 July

Douglas Emhoff, the second gentleman, comes by my office. I tell him I can see the measuring tape in his jacket pocket. “So talk me through your thought process on this colour scheme”, he says. 

“I am staying as First Lady”, I smile. “Together we will win this election. I have total faith in the Ameri-” 

“Oh Jill”, he perches on the edge of my desk. “Don’t you think it’s time you stepped aside? The office of First Lady has been female dominated for so long.”

Wednesday 17 July

There’s a big press conference this afternoon and Joe went to bed at 8:02 last night. I’m a little worried about how things are going to go. 

I decide to make a list of people he shouldn’t mix up given what happened last time. 

Prince Andrew and Ghandi 

Kamala Harris and Marjorie Taylor Greene 

Sultan Haitham bin Tariq Al Said of Oman and Ru Paul 

“Say hello to the nice people!” I whisper in his ear before he goes on stage. “And don’t talk about Vietnam or the Nazis or the British. Those wars are over.” 

Thursday 18 July

Soros calls me to ask me what the hell has been going on. He watched the press conference. “Why does he still look like he’s dead? I sent you that adrenochrome months ago,” he hisses.  

“I know,” I sigh, “but Joe won’t take it. He says it’s against our religion.”

“Where does he think we get it? The Pope harvests it from the choirboys himself. This is the Chateauneuf du Pape of adrenochrome.” He hangs up on me.

Friday 19 July 

“Ee is ruining everything!” She screams. I still don’t know how Melania Trump got my private number. “If you don’t get eet together my ‘usband wins and I am back in Wazhington. I was ‘appy to overlook ees pornstars but I never agreed to pretend to like him or zee bitz of America zat is not New York or Miami. This was NOT IN ZEE PRENUP.”

“Melania, I’m doing everything I can.”

“Ee needs to look more alive! I send my plastic surgeon, yees?”

I try to explain to her that I don’t think that’s her surgeon’s specialty. And tell her how sorry I am about what happened in Pennsylvania. 

“Zo am I.” She says darkly. Then she hangs up on me too. 

Friday 19 July, evening

Joe and I have a beautiful date night! Spending quality time with those you love is so important. 

“I love you Barack,” he whispers in my ear before we fall asleep. That gives me hope! At least some things haven’t changed. 

Saturday 20 July

Two of Joe’s closest advisors arrive and take him for a friendly chat in a basement room with a single swinging light bulb. 

Sunday 21 July 

Melania called again. She’s fuming. I tell her I don’t have time to deal with this. I’m busy drafting a response to my husband’s resignation letter. 

It’s got to be good. This is a historic moment. One that calls for dignity, unity, gravitas. The girls’ group chat and I have a running list of possibles. 

‘F for FAIL’

‘I’m standing down from our marriage’

‘Kamala? KAMALA?’

In the end, I take Michelle’s advice and decide to go high. Simple, classic, timeless. The heart emoji.