Christmas came early

Venezuela will celebrate Christmas on October 1st this year. What would Gauche do?

Greetings! No, this is not a column about Christmas presents being flogged in department stores as early as August. Rather — and you’d be forgiven for reading this and thinking it was a headline in the Onion — this is about Venezuelan despot Nicolas Maduro bumping the actual Christmas holidays up to October.

“It’s September and it already feels like Christmas!” the President thundered this week during one of his frequent TV appearances. “So this year — as a way of paying tribute to you and thanking you — I’m going to decree that Christmas be brought forward to 1 October.” I’m sorry, has he lost the plot? Stealing an election is one thing but thinking your overwhelmingly Catholic electorate will enjoy this sort of fuck you to the Gregorian calendar seems ludicrously ill-advised. Not to mention the fact that December in Venezuela is much better than October weather-wise.

If you’re interested in moving festivities, we have our own, much better ideas on which should come forward and which should move back. Behold: The Gauche Holiday calendar.

New Year’s Day 
Who wants a day off in January when all you can possibly do is be glum and watch Bridget Jones 1-3 all day? That’s what Sundays are for. In the Gauche calendar, New Year’s Day is officially held on summer solstice. You get arguably more symbolism, and more of a sense that the planet is doing a good job of turning around. Resolutions are obviously banned. 

Easter
Bumped up to November. Chocolate feels very autumnal. Also, the market is oversaturated with rebrands/the idea of rebirth, and Easter’s resurrection schtick feels a bit dated. 

Pentecost
Has to be 49 days after Easter Sunday so by our calculations it should take place around Christmas time. Coupled with Boxing Day, we realise this might put you into a food-induced coma. Tough.

Hanukkah 
All about bringing light to the darkness, so why not do it in the bleakest of months — February? True, December is objectively darker, but it’s kind of cutesy. February needs all the help it can get. 

August bank holiday
Bumped up to April to replace the Easter bank holiday because the weather tends to be nice and we all need a break by that point in the year. We don’t need it in August because that’s already a bank month. Sorry All Points East.

4th of July
Remains the same but is celebrated exclusively outside America (soundtrack: Kelis). Ditto for the 14th of July outside France (soundtrack: Angèle).

May Day
Actually flawless. Remains exactly as is.

Spring bank holiday 
Call me crazy — I want this in September, when the weather starts to turn and I actually want to be out of the country. There is nothing, truly nothing, I hate more than being out of London when it’s sunny here, as is usually the case in May. Just feels like a waste. 

Halloween
Bumped up to June when days are warmer and you can afford to be scantily clad / won’t freeze while parading around dressed up as a slutty bunny. Actual All Souls’ Day (November 2nd) is dedicated entirely to Church. Perish the pagan traditions. Pumpkin carvings? Gone. Go listen to a sermon and repent. Atheists have to sit the All Souls entrance exam because no one lives free from neither sin nor penance. 

Labour Day
Difficult one to work with as different countries do it in different months. Should be scrapped altogether unless we find a truly original way to worship the working man. Could we put Kim Jong Un in a salt mine? Donald Trump behind the counter at McDonald’s? Vajiralongkorn, Prince of Thailand, pouring pints at Oktoberfest? He loves Bavaria after all.

St Patrick’s Day
Bank holiday across the whole of the union. Guinness on tap everywhere and at a discount. 

St Andrew’s Day 
Ditto, with whiskey. 

St George’s Day
Ditto, but Tommy Robinson is not allowed into the country he so loves. If he smuggles in, deport him immediately. 

Will Hosie is the founding editor of Gauche Magazine.