Diamonds Speak Louder Than Words - The Gauche Christmas Gift Guide
This holiday season, show someone you really love them. Nothing says “marry more” quite like a roll of toilet paper made of solid gold
The Gauche Christmas Gift Guide could have gone in any number of directions: tacky, indecent, grotesque, et j’en passe. But in a year like the one we’ve just had – where a repeat sexual offender and convicted felon can win the popular vote in a democratic election, because who cares when said felon owns a marble and gold-plated penthouse overlooking Central Park? – it feels only right to go down the single most obvious route: the gaudy and the ridiculous. Behold,
***THE GAUCHE CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE***
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle
£46
Goop is in the soop, so why not invest in what’s soon to become a priceless bit of memorabilia? For 58 dollars (roughly 46 pounds at the time of writing) you can be the proud possessor of the past decade’s most iconic cultural artefact.
https://hereticparfum.com/pages/this-smells-like-my-vagina
Embellished Dog Harness
£490
Remember the chihuahua from the disaster movie 2012? The one who manages to board a rescue ship meant for people like the Queen and Mark Zuckerberg? That’s how yours deserves to feel as well. Nothing says “woof” like this skimpy Miu Miu number. Did I mention it’s leather?
https://www.mytheresa.com/gb/en/life/miu-miu-embellished-dog-harness-black
Gracie Abrams live (VIP package)
£600+
Daughter of JJ, lover of Paul (Mescal): Gracie Abrams sounds like the name of a girl whose head got kicked in by a horse when you were in Year Six and the teacher made you all sign a card. Via Ticketmaster (who else?), she’s also charging exorbitant amounts for front row seats to her concert in Madison Square Garden. Name me one song by her that isn’t Close To You.
Membership to the Groucho Club
£1,250 per annum
After nearly shuttering last month the club has reportedly reopened its doors – not that anyone took notice. It’s yours for £1,250 plus a £500 joining fee, unless you still have friends there who can nominate you. In which case, it’s basically free.
https://www.thegrouchoclub.com/membership/
A perfume that smells of “the air”
£2,150 per ounce
Clive Christian launched Imperial Majesty in 2001. Only ten bottles were ever made — of nest polished crystal and with an 18-carat gold collar centred on a five-carat white diamond. The combination of sandalwood, neroli, bergamot and vanilla creates a luxuriously soft scent – so soft, some say, it is reminiscent of the atmosphere. One man’s quiet luxury is another’s expensive odourlessness.
https://www.clivechristian.com/blogs/british-heritage/imperial-majesty
Louis Vuitton Croissant
Between £1,000 and £5,000
Not actually a croissant – it’s a bag shaped vaguely like a crescent – but the clout of telling people you forked out a month’s rent for what they think is just a pastry? Priceless.
NB: If asked when Louis Vuitton branched out into baking, the answer is this year. The fashion house opened a café on the top floor of their store on 5th Ave.
The perfect seat on a plane
£25,000 for a flight from New York to Abu Dhabi
The perfect plane seat doesn’t exi- sorry, you were saying? Welcome to The Residence on Etihad, where you get a private bedroom, private bathroom, heated floors and a separate living room. Yes, of course there’s a private butler. And an exclusive airport lounge INSIDE an exclusive airport lounge.
https://www.etihad.com/en-gb/fly-etihad/our-cabins/the-residence
A Piece of the Moon
£40,000+
Nope, not a freehold (although that’s also an option, thanks to Virgin). Instead it’s a sample of lunar dust that has been collected from the surface of the moon by various Apollo missions. More original, we think. Nothing says “luxury” quite like luxury dirt.
https://news.artnet.com/market/2022-moon-dust-auction-2091650
American Health Insurance
POA
Very hot right now, for reasons we won’t go into despite you all clamouring for our hot take on Luigi. He’s not that attractive and you should all get over it.
https://www.uhc.com/shop-online-health-insurance-plans
Golden Toilet Paper
£1m+
A roll of 22-karat gold toilet paper. Because why settle for regular bathroom experiences when your yuletide bowel movements are guaranteed to be anything but?
https://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/uk/gold-toilet-paper
Will Hosie is the editor of Gauche Magazine… and wishes you all a very merry Christmas xx